Bucket List

When you are pregnant the term bucket list takes on a whole different meaning.

While walking around the Tidal Basin last Sunday with the family I had one goal in mind: find a big pretzel. I had been craving one for over a week. As soon as I realized the craving I said, "add that to my bucket list." It sounds weird, and wrong, but whenever I eat something off of (out of?) the bucket list I feel satisfied. Crossed off (eaten?) items have included: an almond joy candy bar, ice cream, pizza, and a sour apple dum dum. To balance it out, I have also craved crazy amounts of fruit (particularly granny smith apples), cereal, and milk.

The most disappointing item was the deli sandwich that never was :( Ironically, I had been reading a discussion thread about deli meat on a pregnancy message board. Some people eat it with abandon, others only when it is heated up first, and some avoid it altogether. One thing was clear to me after reading the discussion: I needed a big deli sandwich pronto. Shimmy said he would be home in an hour and would pick up the fixings on his way home. The problem was, that an hour later it was 11pm, I was beyond hungry and just extremely nauseous, and I was so tired that I was literally crying. The meats are in the refrigerator should the craving return.

Currently, the items on my Bucket (of food) List are as follows:
A really good grilled cheese sandwich -probably a panini- with tomato soup (edited: after writing this I made it for lunch. And it was gooood.)
Tater tots- I got hash browns at Dunkin Donuts the other day, but they were not the right ratio of potato to crisp
A big cosmopolitan (6+ more months for that one- sniff, sniff).
And, of course, the elusive big soft pretzel from a street vendor

I look forward to adding and eating more items from my Bucket List :)

11 weeks, 4 days

Anyone who has experienced a loss of pregnancy knows exactly what day it happened. It remains a scary day during all future pregnancies. For me, that day is 11 weeks, 4 days. Today is my scary day. Luckily, I also had a doctor's appointment today. The doctor brought the doppler over and said, "you're still pretty early, so if we don't hear anything I'll bring out the ultrasound." As soon as the doppler touched my belly we heard a loud, galloping heart beat. I closed my eyes, smiled, and listened to my baby- safe, healthy, growing strong...

Enjoyment is in the Belly of the Beholder

The other day a friend of mine who is due with her second child in a few weeks was telling a group of us how glad she was that she was almost done being pregnant. She said, a few times, "I just do not enjoy being pregnant." I believe her. She has complained about every aspect of being pregnant the entire time she has been pregnant. I asked if there was anything she liked about it. She said no. I pointed out that when I have been pregnant I have loved the idea that I was growing a new life, and later in the pregnancy, I loved feeling the baby move all of the time. She looked at me like I was crazy. I told her that I would practice a lot of mindful meditation, concentrating on the baby inside me. She said she was not the meditating type. She also laughed at me. I truly feel sad for her. She does not yet I know I am pregnant, so she may have easily thought that I was remembering only the good things about my pregnancies, the most recent of which ended two years ago. The truth is, I feel horrible most of the time. Thanks to Zofran I am no longer throwing up on a regular basis, but I am still nauseous to some degree constantly. I am so tired that sometimes I cry. My body aches, especially after bathing my girls. But I am still enjoying my pregnancy. I think about my growing baby with awe and gratitude. Sometimes I am lucky enough to have a rest in the afternoons and I meditate before dozing for 15 or 20 minutes. As I breathe slowly and deeply I concentrate on my baby. I don't picture him or her as s/he is now (a translucent, blood vessel covered alien looking thing), but as s/he will look as a newborn: a small, soft baby with a fuzzy head and eyes that look up at me. Knowing that I am carrying this baby right now has an amazing calming effect on me. In spite of all of its pitfalls , I ENJOY pregnancy. I can't imagine not enjoying it.

My Due Date Rocks

And here's why:

My kids will be in camp this summer (Sophie, 5 days a week, Lilah 3), so I can relax by the pool. I will not care what I look like in a swim suit. In fact, I would much rather be very pregnant during swim suit season than just have had a baby. And by my ninth month it will no longer be unbearably hot outside!

Once both kids start school I will have a nice 6 weeks alone to nest, nap, etc.

I am due right smack in the middle of Jewish Holiday Season. This means I am cleared of any obligations to host meals! And I don't have to fast on Yom Kippur! And my parents can come stay with us for the week of Sukkot and I can have a nice recovery period!

During the baby's first few months it will be cold out. While I will have to deal with getting everyone out of the house with all of the winter clothing and accessories (which adds about 15 minutes) the baby will be chilling in his/her bundle-me-covered carrier. One less person to worry about during departure time. By the time s/he is out of the carrier it will be nice out again!

I am due near two awesome people's birthdays: My dad (13th) and John Lennon (9th). Delivering on either of those days would be amazing. I'm going to try my darnedest to make it happen.

My good friend called to tell me she is due around the same time! I love having a due date buddy! YAY!

Dream On

Ohhhh the pregnancy dreams :) Enough said. (You're welcome.)

Is it even worth it? Yes it is.

Fitness is important to me. I have always exercised in some capacity, no matter what else was going on in my life. The first trimester of my pregnancies has always presented a struggle in the fitness department. I cannot work out as intensely as feels natural to me, because this will raise my heart rate over the threshold recommended for pregnant women. This is assuming I have enough energy to work out at all. I rarely do, so not only do I not work out as intensely as I'd like, but I also do not work out as often as I'd like. And then there's the morning sickness. Even on Zofran, I am still nauseous to some degree all the time. Since I have to eat something, especially before working out, I eat what will stay down. This is something awful like cake, cookies, or doughnuts.

So the question is, is it worth it to exercise if it is a low intensity workout only a few times a week and after eating cookies? I have to believe that it is still worth it in some way, if only to stay in the habbit of exercising. This first trimester will pass (PLEASE GOD SOON) and I'll be able to eat healthier and have more energy to work out more often. And when I am no longer pregnant I'll get back into it hardcore. And I know I'm not just saying that, because it's my third time. Every time I've been pregnant I've said I would get into great shape, and every time I have. After Sophie was born I lost a lot of weight and was the thinnest I had been since high school. After Lilah was born, I lost all of my pregnancy weight and also got really, really strong. After this one, I'm going to get as thin and as strong as I can. And the motivation for that begins now, with each lame, infrequent workout I can manage.

It's Okay To Lie To My Kids, Right?

Last night Sophie (age 4) asked me point blank, "Do you have a baby in your tummy? Because it looks like you do." I just laughed and said I had eaten a big lunch that day. She laughed too. Crisis averted. For now...

It's Hard to Plan Ahead With Zofran

Case in point:
Last night the sister-in-law and I, and our combined five kids ate dinner at the in-laws. Nephew suggested Chinese, and I agreed, because my girls are always happy with one specific chicken and rice dinner from that restaurant. I; however, in my extremely nauseated state, did not order anything. I was feeling so yucky before we left that I popped another Zofran just so I could function without drawing too much attention to my "secret" pregnancy. (I wore maternity velour sweats and sat there and ate nothing, so I'm not sure how much of a secret it is, but whatever.) The good news was that by the time we were halfway to the in-laws' I was feeling A LOT better. The bad news was that I had not ordered any food! I should have thought about how I would feel after taking the meds, but I am too scared to start relying on the Zofran as a miracle, only to then have it disappoint me. It's hard to plan ahead indeed.

Week in Review

It was a big week! On Wednesday I had my first doctor's appointment including lab work and first ultrasound. The baby is as cute as any 7 week blob can be! Heart was beating away (and so was mine). The doctor gave me a prescription for Zofran, or as he said, "here is your new best friend." And it is! It does not take the nausea away 100%, and it is not without side effects, but I'll take it! I no longer spend every second of the day contemplating whether I should run to the bathroom to try to throw up or keep perfectly still and hope the feeling will pass. That is a huge difference in my quality of life! I think everyone around here has noticed, including the fish, who had sadly been neglected on more than one occasion.

I told my immediate family that I was pregnant on Friday, and that was cool. It's nice that they know. It was hard to pretend that everything was fine when I spoke to them on on the phone when I wanted to scream, "I am sick as a dog! Please come play with the girls for a couple of hours so I can try to breathe through this unending nausea!"

I can't wait to tell the rest of the world in another month! I have known for a full month and that has seemed like an eternity. It's hard to remember not to say anything about it when I want to shout from the roof tops. This will be my third child (holy moly!), but that feeling never gets old. I am having a baby! I am carrying life itself! I am a super goddess! Hear me roar!